Love feeling

Most of the girls will simply say "OMG !! I think i have fall in love with this guy !!". But do they know the actual feeling of love ? Do they know that behind the word "LOVE" there is a lot of hidden meaning ?

For myself, i have fallen in love twice. But until now, i still can't "see" which is the "real" feeling. I guess i doesn't need to say who is my first love. For those who know me for a long time, they will know. Since my broke up with my boyfriend, i almost forget the feeling of love. To tell you the truth, the feeling towards my ex-boyfriend is not same with the one i love. There is a big difference between this two feeling.

Let's talk about my first love. I knew him when i was form2. He work as a part time waiter at a restaurant. At first, i rarely pay attention to him, just notice him that he is quite cute. Later on, when one day we indirectly looked at each other, i suddenly feel like i'm gonna faint !! My heart beat so fast, and my mum was like asking "Why is your face suddenly so red ? U had a fever ?". Ok, from that moment, i knew i had fall in love. I went to the restaurant everyday to eat lunch just to see him. Too bad, after a month not really much improvement between us.

On December, one month before school starts, I get to know from my friend that he will be working as a promoter until the school starts. I was like a mad girl rush to the place he work and my mum was really surprised for my weird behavior. I met him once again. The feeling is back. I purposely walk pass in front of him so that he will pay attention to me. *FAINTED* HE TALKED TO ME !!!!! I still remember clearly what he said to me "Eh, aren't you are the one who always come to BC (I'm not gonna state clearly what restaurant name is that) to eat lunch ?".

*FAST FORWARD* We get to know each other (Special thanks to my mum for helping me get his phone number) and we often sms. School starts at last. I was form3 and he was form5. A lot of things happened to me that year. We tried to couple but it doesn't work out with his excuse saying he failed in a relationship twice. He scare he will hurt me so he choose to let go rather than seeing me hurt.

It's been almost 3years now. We rarely contact and i thought i will be never seeing him again. I don't know i am lucky or it is fate. We met back when i went to education fair not long ago. He is still the same old guy i knew. His appearance never change since the last time i saw him. I almost forget the feeling i had to him last time. And now i remember back. He is the FIRST guy who gave me that feeling and until now i still haven't meet another guy who give me the same feeling. My ex-boyfriend gave me that feeling but not as much as him.

Am i living in the past or it is reality that from the beginning my heart already been stolen by him ? Or it is the feeling i had to my ex-boyfriend is real but towards him is just my imagination ? I don't know. I wish i could have figure it out one day. But one thing for sure is, I wanna sms him to tell him that he is the first guy who give me that feeling on 14th Feb. Because everything happen between us is too fast last time. I am really thankful to ... (Actually i don't know i should thanks to God or myself or cupid or something else) for making me to remember this feeling suddenly before i totally forget. I don't want to disappoint for those who remind me of this feeling.

Year 2010

A new year, a new hope and a new dream ^^ I am now thinking back what i actually did and achieve in the year 2009. Honestly, not really much. First of all, i feel so guilty that i never been active in my ko-kurikulum activities. I feel wasted that i didn't get any big achievement for five years ! Oh dear, guess it is too late to realize it now. Next, i am so sad that i should have done better in my SPM examination ! I really regret now for not studying hard enough and i'm gonna be a dead meat coming the month of March. (Sadly, can't turn back the time)

Ok, done with school stuffs. Going to love and relationship part. I was totally a loser in my past relationship (So far only one, pai seh). Until now only i realize how much chances he had given to me since we started the relationship. I am the one who keep create problems between us. I admit myself a LOSER and JERK. Why only now i realize that he is really into me and not cheating me ? Why only now i know that i am wrong ? Oh god, i really hate myself for that. But anyway, i have to face the fact that i'm the one who ruin the relationship. (Feel like crying but i'm really sick of crying for the past few months !!)

Its already almost half month of January 2010. I still can't see my future. My path. All i can see is a blur vision where i'm afraid to go on. I'm afraid that i will fall into a deep hole and can't get back up again. I know i have to move on. I always looking for the word "HOPE". I still can't find it. But no matter what happen, i'm always looking forward to my college life on either May or August ^^
I will not repeat the same mistake that i did in the past year. But I AM WHO I AM. I WILL NOT CHANGE MY PERSONALITY FOR ANYONE. If i have change, I am not myself anymore.

Myself...

I'm having doubt bout my feeling 2 u recently.. I start thinking am i reali in love wif u.. Or i jz staying in the past and dun wan 2 move on..

I wanted 2 know i love u for the past or present or forever.. I wanted 2 know i miss u for ur embrace or kisses or person..

I was thinking am i not accepting the fact that u already change.. Not the old person anymore.. The caring, loving and honest person.. The one i trust that will not leave me forever no matter what happen..

I have to wake up from my sleep.. Realize time is passing fast.. Knows that nothing will change the fact.. I have to be more confident and independent.. I have to..

I must change the future.. Appreciate those who treat me good.. Never betray me.. Spend more time wif friends and my mum.. I NEED TO WAKE UP.. AWAKE FROM MY DREAMY SLEEP.. AND FACE THE TRUTH..

Look bak the past.. And never do bak the same mistake tat i did last time.. I'll move on.. Face the college life.. Where more challenge will be awaiting me.. And lastly, learn to appreciate whenever I have the chance..

Lonely Christmas

I'm sitting in the bed
Looking up the sky full of stars
Each blinks and shine its own light
Each reminds me of our memories
From the beginning to the end
Every obstacles we managed to face
Every happiness and sadness we shared
Will remain and sealed in my heart forever.

Thinking Christmas will soon arrive
Imangine sweet moment will happen
Unforgettable day will come
But it turned out to be my hopeless dream
You will soon forget about me
Not even remember my existance
I'll celebrate every year Christmas from now on
In my lonely room
That full of your pictures and memories.

Angels

Angels
They may exist in many forms
Humans, animals, or even your plust toys
They bring happiness to your life
Wash away misery and darkness
But for me,
My angel had already leave me
I dare to say that my angel is not my mother
But is YOU
YOU are my angel
YOU bring happiness and joy to me for 4 years
I thought these happy moment will last forever
But I have to face the fact
That YOU have done your job as my angel
And God had sent you to bring happiness to another person
I'm sorry if I failed to repay your kindness
Or maybe I did, but it is too late
All I can do now is
Sit at a corner
Waiting for you to come and guide me
To the road of love, happiness and eternity
No matter how long I have to wait
1 year, 3 years, 10 years, the rest of my life
I will always be here
And wait for you to say
I LOVE YOU

Add math = Monster

Ok, i nvr got so emo b4 this.. i was actually x care bout add math b4.. bt i reali dunno y 2day i got so damn emo and sad jz bcox of it !! paper2 was so damn freaking hard and i was bout 2 cry when i doin section B !!

when i arrive home i cried for 15mins and now was so damn emo.. i dun even wan go out eat dinner.. in my life, i nvr do so difficult add math Q b4 !! I HATE YOU ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS !! AND NOW I'M GONNA BREAK UP WIF U !! DUN EVER COME BAK AND FIND ME !! YOU BI**H !!

SPM comin

Ok.. so SPM is comin.. one more month !! argh !! and i havent study yet..!! some1 pls help me in chem and add math !!

SPM is comin means my sch life is goin to end.. suddenly fell like x leaving the sch.. dunno y.. gonna miss my frenz and the feeling of goin sch alot.. my mum said it is a normal feeling.. when u r in form1, u feel like throwing out sch.. bt when u reach form5, u feel like turning bak the time whr u r in kindergarden.. 30oct is form5 graduation day.. oh, i'm gonna hold bak my tears tat day !!

anyway, good luck to all my frenz who r sitting 4 SPM this yr !! gambatteh !! go go perang SPM !!

Lyric

Nobody knows who I really am,
I never felt this empty before,
But if I ever someone to come along,
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong ?

This is part of the lyric i pick from my favourite J-pop song, Life is like a Boat by Rie Fu. I think this line truly express my feeling for this 17years.

breaking up

most of the ppl said breaking up is the most painful thing to do. bt i dun think so. wat i think is letting go of some1 that u reali love is the most painful thing. i have 2 let go my most beloved bf. y ? i cant get the correct ans myself too. i cant stand his selfish attitude. i had 2 go his way all the time bt he nvr go my way even once. i always wanted something bt he nvr giv me once. i am very unhappy all this while. bt y am i still love him the most ? y must i cry 4 this kind of person every nite ? i dun understand at all.

things had chng. he is not the same person anymore. he wun hold me tight when i wan let go. bt he promised me that he will nvr ever let me go. bt he now let go of him ? he seem x care at all. my fren told me v r technically over. i was like.. what ? if he wan a break up, y dun he tell me honestly ? y must he act dun care and dun know ? i reali dun understand what he thinking.

i wish he know what i was thinking. i wanted him to hold me tight everytime i wanna go away. i wanted him told me that dun go and dun leave him. he knew wat i wan. bt y he dun wan take action ? he knew i cant let him go bt y yet he wanted 2 hurt me like now ? i am confused. confused that whether he still love me onot. i wish someday i will find the ans.

bt i am glad v still can b fren. i still can go his hse and see him. talk 2 him. i am reali glad. honestly. as long as i can still see him and talk 2 him, i am happy enuf. bt if 1 day he found a new gf and i saw it, how would i react ? how will i feel that time ? i cant imagine. cox i d crying badly right now.

Love

What is love exactly ? A feeling ? Something that is memorable ? Something to cherish ? Or maybe something that can hurt u badly ? I start to think that love is just a temporarily feeling. Nothing will last forever. Someone fall in love because of the opposite sex appearance, personality or maybe family background. But will this feeling last forever ? I'm not sure of it. At the beginning of my love and relationship stage, I always think that eternal love does exist. But as time goes, this thought slowly change deep inside my heart. Your partner might be keep telling you the same answer everytime you ask them "Do you really love me ?". But you don't know what are they thinking exactly deep inside their heart.

I trust my partner 101% at first that he will love me forever. But I get confused as time goes by. His attitude, his way of talking, really makes me go blur. I start wondering is he really love me compared to last time. I know in a relationship trust and honesty is the most important thing to have in order to keep the relationship well. However, after this 4years, it seems like I'm the one who try very hard to maintain this relationship. I start thinking am I still in the right way doing this. Is he worth it for me to change myself ? Is the the one for me ? I don't know. I really don't know the answer.